As many of you know, David and I are wanting to start our family and the first step for that to happen was for me to go off my birth control pills. I finished my last pill on Saturday and was normally starting a new pack on Sunday, but of course, I was done with the pills. Well, since Sunday I have been a roller coaster of emotions. I cry almost every hour. I can feel Satan trying to pull me down into despair through mild depression. All I want to do is sleep. I have zero appetite (I have to force myself to eat at least something small during the day). And I have no sex drive. All I really want to do is cuddle on the couch with my hubby and fall asleep, every second of the day.
I know this is because of the hormones changing in my body, but my word, this is nuts. I feel so out of control, but I feel like this is where God wants me. It's crazy, but I feel closer to God the further out of control I get. I know the lies Satan tells me are lies. And I feel the hand of the Lord on my heart. No matter what I do, I can't get past the fact that Jesus is here with me, a sinner. He loves me so much that he is fighting my battles and all I have to do is completely trust him. It's amazing that I am trusting Him with absolutely everything in my life currently. I thought I knew what a relationship with Jesus was, but I was sadly shortchanging myself AND God.
He is my all. I can do nothing through my own strength and I have to cling to him every second of every minute of every day. I can't function without Him and I honestly don't want to. I need him more than I ever have in my life and I know without a doubt that he will take care of me. I trust him to bring me out of this time of darkness and night into the light and morning.
I love you Jesus. Keep being with me. I need you more than I ever have in my entire life and I cannot do a thing without you. I need you Jesus to keep coming to my rescue and saving me from the evil one. I love you Lord and I know you are working in my life. I just love you so much Jesus. Amen.
Tuesday, June 26, 2012
Sunday, June 24, 2012
Why do we do this?
Lately I have felt an overwhelming (almost rehabilitating) sense of guilt over past sin in my life. I know I've been forgiven for everything and I have repented of everything I know I am doing in my life that is sinful, but yet I keep being bombarded by guilt. I know this is from Satan, but why do we do this to ourselves?
I find that when I am close to the Lord and things seem to be going well, something comes into my life to derail me (aka Satan). It's so hard to remain in the Lord when you feel like you are worth nothing, and what I am trying to remind myself is that this is where GRACE comes in. We don't deserve forgiveness. We don't deserve eternal life. We don't deserve to be close to the Lord. And yet, because Jesus came to this earth, lived a perfect sinless life, and went WILLINGLY to the cross, we are SAVED. It's so hard to remember this when I am suffocated with guilt, but it's the truth.
It's amazing what truth does for a person. When you read scripture there is always truth looking you straight in the face and you cannot get around the fact that we are sinners. Yes, I have sinned. Yes, I have made mistakes. And yes, I wish I could take it back. BUT I am totally and completely forgiven for what I have done and I need, no I MUST forgive myself because God has already forgiven me for what I have done. I know why these things happen, but it's so hard to get back into the light of the Lord when you feel guilty, and this is where Satan wants me, on the outside looking in on what I think the Lord sees, when in actuality God sees me as a clean, pure child of His that He loves without any thought to the mistakes I've made.
Another thing that gets to me is the fact that sin is sin, NO MATTER WHAT WE'VE DONE! People are the ones who make one sin greater than another and that is a worldly mindset. I need to remember that I am no better or no worse than any other person because of what I've done in my life. EVERYONE SINS! NO ONE EXCEPT JESUS IS PERFECT! I am forgiven, not because I deserve it, but because of the grace of the Lord and the love He has for me.
Now to bind this around my heart...
Lord, I need you more than anything in my life. I know what I've done, you know what I've done, and you have forgiven me. You choose to give me grace and love and forgiveness and I need to stop with the guilt trip and move forward. I am a child of God. I am washed pure and clean by the death Jesus died on the cross. I don't deserve it, but PRAISE THE LORD, I have received it. I accept your gift, even though I am a sinner and I thank you for the sacrifice you made to save my life. I love you Lord. Bind these words around my heart and my life. In your holy name, Amen.
P.S.-For those of you that read this, prayer would be GREATLY appreciated to protect me from the power of the evil one and to feel Jesus close to my heart and my life. Thanks in advance!
I find that when I am close to the Lord and things seem to be going well, something comes into my life to derail me (aka Satan). It's so hard to remain in the Lord when you feel like you are worth nothing, and what I am trying to remind myself is that this is where GRACE comes in. We don't deserve forgiveness. We don't deserve eternal life. We don't deserve to be close to the Lord. And yet, because Jesus came to this earth, lived a perfect sinless life, and went WILLINGLY to the cross, we are SAVED. It's so hard to remember this when I am suffocated with guilt, but it's the truth.
It's amazing what truth does for a person. When you read scripture there is always truth looking you straight in the face and you cannot get around the fact that we are sinners. Yes, I have sinned. Yes, I have made mistakes. And yes, I wish I could take it back. BUT I am totally and completely forgiven for what I have done and I need, no I MUST forgive myself because God has already forgiven me for what I have done. I know why these things happen, but it's so hard to get back into the light of the Lord when you feel guilty, and this is where Satan wants me, on the outside looking in on what I think the Lord sees, when in actuality God sees me as a clean, pure child of His that He loves without any thought to the mistakes I've made.
Another thing that gets to me is the fact that sin is sin, NO MATTER WHAT WE'VE DONE! People are the ones who make one sin greater than another and that is a worldly mindset. I need to remember that I am no better or no worse than any other person because of what I've done in my life. EVERYONE SINS! NO ONE EXCEPT JESUS IS PERFECT! I am forgiven, not because I deserve it, but because of the grace of the Lord and the love He has for me.
Now to bind this around my heart...
Lord, I need you more than anything in my life. I know what I've done, you know what I've done, and you have forgiven me. You choose to give me grace and love and forgiveness and I need to stop with the guilt trip and move forward. I am a child of God. I am washed pure and clean by the death Jesus died on the cross. I don't deserve it, but PRAISE THE LORD, I have received it. I accept your gift, even though I am a sinner and I thank you for the sacrifice you made to save my life. I love you Lord. Bind these words around my heart and my life. In your holy name, Amen.
P.S.-For those of you that read this, prayer would be GREATLY appreciated to protect me from the power of the evil one and to feel Jesus close to my heart and my life. Thanks in advance!
Monday, June 18, 2012
Mark 11:24-25
Therefore I tell you, whatever you ask in prayer, believe that you have received it, and it will be yours. And whenever you stand praying, forgive, if you have anything against anyone, so that your Father also who is in heaven may forgive you your trespasses.
I love these verses and yet they are some of the most difficult ones to deal with. God tells us straight up that if we ask in prayer and BELIEVE then it's ours. I think the thing that hangs me up is the believe part of the verse. I pray; I'm good at praying; I'm good at believing God will provide for those I pray for, but when it comes to myself, I don't believe. I think "Man, God is too busy for this little thing." or "I am being silly, God won't give me this desire/request." but the thing is, He wants to give me the desires of my heart (within reason).
I hope as time goes on I will learn to believe and trust that the Lord will give me the desires of my heart if they are in His plan. I don't need to worry about whether or not it's okay to ask for something, but simply believe God will give me the desires of my heart. I love you Jesus. Thanks for being a great God!
I love these verses and yet they are some of the most difficult ones to deal with. God tells us straight up that if we ask in prayer and BELIEVE then it's ours. I think the thing that hangs me up is the believe part of the verse. I pray; I'm good at praying; I'm good at believing God will provide for those I pray for, but when it comes to myself, I don't believe. I think "Man, God is too busy for this little thing." or "I am being silly, God won't give me this desire/request." but the thing is, He wants to give me the desires of my heart (within reason).
I hope as time goes on I will learn to believe and trust that the Lord will give me the desires of my heart if they are in His plan. I don't need to worry about whether or not it's okay to ask for something, but simply believe God will give me the desires of my heart. I love you Jesus. Thanks for being a great God!
Monday, June 11, 2012
Matthew 14:22-33
"Immediately he made the disciples get into the boat and go before him to the other side, while he dismissed the crowds. And after he had dismissed the crowds, he went up on the mountain by himself to pray. When evening came, he was there alone, but the boat by this time was a long way from the land, beaten by the waves, for the wind was against them. And in the fourth watch of the night he came to them, walking on the sea. But when the disciples saw him walking on the sea, they were terrified, and said, "It is a ghost!" and they cried out in fear. But immediately Jesus spoke to them, saying, "Take heart; it is I. Do not be afraid."
And Peter answered him, "Lord if it is you, command me to come to you on the water." He said, "Come". So Peter got out of the boat and walked on the water and came to Jesus. But when he saw the wind, he was afraid, and beginning to sink he cried out, "Lord, save me." Jesus immediately reached out his hand and took hold of him, saying to him, "O you of little faith, why did you doubt?" And when they got into the boat, the wind ceased. And those in the boat worshiped him, saying, "Truly you are the Son of God." (emphasis added by me)
"O you of little faith, why did you doubt?"
Such a simple question, but with the greatest of ramifications.
Doubt was the reason Peter couldn't walk on water, but the thing that fascinates me was the fact that Peter actually got out of the boat and WAS walking on the water until he took his eyes off the Lord. It says "So Peter got out of the boat and walked on the water and came to Jesus. BUT when he saw the wind, he was afraid, and beginning to sink he cried out, "Lord save me."
How amazing it is that when our eyes are focused and trained on the Lord, we can do absolutely anything we set our hearts and minds to, but the second, no millisecond, we take our focus off God, we start to sink. Why? Why is it so hard to keep our eyes trained on the Lord? What is so alluring about the things of this world that draw our gaze and our hearts from the only one who deserves our attention?
As I look into my life, things are rough. There are a lot of distractions surrounding me; things I need to get done, worries I have, dreams I wish would come true, and the day to day grind that is work, taking care of my home, and building relationships. All the Lord really wants from me is to stop and put all my attention on Him, basically filtering my life through His eyes, but I don't. It's sad, but I consciously tend to choose to ignore what the Lord calls me to do and keep trucking along in my life (which isn't even mine in the first place). Why do I keep letting the wind in my life cause me to doubt the Lord?
My prayer for this summer is that the Lord will teach me how to be utterly obedient to Him (I know this is going to be an extreme challenge).
Lord, teach me what it means to keep my eyes of you. Help me not become distracted by the things of this world and guide me in the path of becoming a woman of Christ. I love you and want to do your will, yet I am weak and discouraged. Make me strong and courageous. Give me the ability to step out of the boat and walk towards you. My life is not my own, but Yours to change and grow. In your amazing name. Amen.
And Peter answered him, "Lord if it is you, command me to come to you on the water." He said, "Come". So Peter got out of the boat and walked on the water and came to Jesus. But when he saw the wind, he was afraid, and beginning to sink he cried out, "Lord, save me." Jesus immediately reached out his hand and took hold of him, saying to him, "O you of little faith, why did you doubt?" And when they got into the boat, the wind ceased. And those in the boat worshiped him, saying, "Truly you are the Son of God." (emphasis added by me)
"O you of little faith, why did you doubt?"
Such a simple question, but with the greatest of ramifications.
Doubt was the reason Peter couldn't walk on water, but the thing that fascinates me was the fact that Peter actually got out of the boat and WAS walking on the water until he took his eyes off the Lord. It says "So Peter got out of the boat and walked on the water and came to Jesus. BUT when he saw the wind, he was afraid, and beginning to sink he cried out, "Lord save me."
How amazing it is that when our eyes are focused and trained on the Lord, we can do absolutely anything we set our hearts and minds to, but the second, no millisecond, we take our focus off God, we start to sink. Why? Why is it so hard to keep our eyes trained on the Lord? What is so alluring about the things of this world that draw our gaze and our hearts from the only one who deserves our attention?
As I look into my life, things are rough. There are a lot of distractions surrounding me; things I need to get done, worries I have, dreams I wish would come true, and the day to day grind that is work, taking care of my home, and building relationships. All the Lord really wants from me is to stop and put all my attention on Him, basically filtering my life through His eyes, but I don't. It's sad, but I consciously tend to choose to ignore what the Lord calls me to do and keep trucking along in my life (which isn't even mine in the first place). Why do I keep letting the wind in my life cause me to doubt the Lord?
My prayer for this summer is that the Lord will teach me how to be utterly obedient to Him (I know this is going to be an extreme challenge).
Lord, teach me what it means to keep my eyes of you. Help me not become distracted by the things of this world and guide me in the path of becoming a woman of Christ. I love you and want to do your will, yet I am weak and discouraged. Make me strong and courageous. Give me the ability to step out of the boat and walk towards you. My life is not my own, but Yours to change and grow. In your amazing name. Amen.
Monday, June 4, 2012
Yoga in the Air?
My friend, Liz, and I bought a deal recently for 4 anti-gravity yoga classes. We finished our second class yesterday, and I must say: it's better each time :) If any of you see this where you live, try it! At least once! It is such a crazy way to workout (and it sure kicks my butt)! Here are a few pictures of what it looks like (I am not that graceful/beautiful when I do it, but at least I keep trying. PS-these are not my pictures, just got them offline, but I have done/tried all these poses).
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| We do this at the end of class to relax and get back to "reality". |
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| Relaxation pose |
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| This one is fun, but you really have to trust your teacher and your hammock. |
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| Stretching in the hammock |
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| Another view of hanging. |
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| This picture was actually taken at the studio I take my classes at :) |
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