Blessings in the Midst of the Storm

Recently it was brought to my attention that sometimes life's storms are the best place to realize the glory of the Lord. When I am struggling I know God is working. It's not easy or fun, but it's the place where I grow and change more into the woman God wants me to be. I know that someday I will enter the gates of heaven and only remember the things the Lord was teaching me, not the pain, sorrow, or anxiety, but for now I try to remember that I MUST go through those things to get out on the other side. God is molding me and it may hurt now, but I will be praising Him through the storm.

I love that song Praise You In The Storm and how even though things are still rocky and bad, I will keep my gaze on the Lord. It's not easy, but God never said anything about following Him being easy; He said it was actually going to be tough and I was going to be hated. It's hard to accept that, but I know it's not through my own power that I have gotten to where I am. God knows EXACTLY what I am going through because He was there once too. Jesus was sent to this earth to conquer sin and that's exactly what He did. He was tempted, but he prevailed and became the sacrifice I needed to prevail as well. Nothing I can ever do will get me closer to the Lord than accepting the gift God gave me, Jesus Christ.

Sorry if this runs around in circles, but I am learning that is how God hardwired me and I need to try to live in that, not change who I am. Here's to loving the Lord in the midst of chaos. I love you Father. Thank you for keeping me close to you in all that I encounter. Help me to praise you even when I can't see an end to the storm. I love you Lord. Your child, Jackie.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xGPS8sa-bRQ

Fear & Anxiety

I come here again broken and completely exhausted emotionally. I am so afraid of opening myself up to the Lord because I am afraid He's going to let more growth come into my life. I know this is something good, but it hurts so much, especially when Satan is in the back of my mind telling me lies that are so hurtful it makes me want to shut my heart up completely. I know I need to go to the Lord and fall on my face, it's just hard to give up control. Even though I have no control.

I just want to feel peace. I just want to live my life for the Lord. I want to stop crying and being a roller coaster, but I can do nothing without God running my life. Tomorrow is a new day, praise the Lord!

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Addendum: Psalm 143 (what God brought to my heart after a walk)

O Lord, hear my prayer, listen to my cry for mercy; in your faithfulness and righteousness come to my relief. Do not bring your servant into judgement, for no one living is righteous before you. 

The enemy pursues me, he crushed me to the ground; he makes me dwell in darkness like those long dead. So my spirit grows faint within me; my heart within me is dismayed. 

I remember the days of long ago; I meditate on all your works and consider what your hands have done. I spread out my hands to you; my soul thirsts for you like a parched land.

Answer me quickly, O Lord; my spirit fails. Do not hide your face from me or I will b e like those who go down to the pit. Let the morning bring me word of your unfailing love, for I have put my trust in you. Show me the way I should go, for to you I lift up my soul. Rescue me from my enemies, O Lord, for I hide myself in you. Teach me to do your will, for you are my God; may your good Spirit lead me on level ground.

 For your name's sake, O Lord, preserve my life; in your righteousness, bring me out of trouble. In your unfailing love, silence my enemies; destroy all my foes, for I am your servant.

Baby Bucket List

Here's an updated version of the baby bucket list I created last July. I added some things that I really would like to do before having a baby, but even though I may not get around to them, I still would like to try. 

• Attractions
• Ronald Reagan Library  
• Travel 
• Catalina Island, CA
• Las Vegas, NV
• Events
• Cirque du Soleil 
• Blue Man Group
• Go to a taping of Jeopardy (with David) 
• Financial
• Pay off all loans (2 student, 1 car) 
• Purchase another car 
• Buy our first home
• Spiritual 
• Read through the entire bible
• Personal 
• Cross-stitch elephant baby bib 
• Read these books: 
• The Lord of the Rings series (3 books)
  
  
•  Completed Things 
• Spend one year at Curves completed May 25, 2012
• Start taking prenatal vitamins daily completed May 24, 2012 
• Chronicles of Narnia series (7 books)  completed August 2, 2011
• For Women Only  completed July 12, 2011 
• The Baby Name Wizard completed August 4, 2011
• What To Expect Before You're Expecting (parts 1 & 3) completed September 5, 2011 
• Calm My Anxious Heart completed January 17, 2012 
• The Hunger Games series (3 books)  completed February 9, 2012
• The Hobbit completed February 20, 2012
  
• Complete a couple's bible study completed June 8, 2012
• Attend a women's bible study completed January 17, 2012
• Cross-stitch giraffe baby bib completed September 4, 2011
• Build up an emergency fund  completed November 25, 2011
• Wine tasting  completed February 12, 2012
• Hot Air Balloon ride completed June 22, 2012
• Go to an opera  completed May 12, 2012
• Dodger's baseball game completed August 13, 2011
• Get our last name painted completed September 2, 2011
• Solvang, CA  completed February 12, 2012  
• Temecula, CA completed April 13, 2012
• Sea World San Diego completed July 14, 2012
• San Francisco, CA completed August 15, 2012
• Knott's Berry Farm  completed September 2, 2011
• Long Beach Aquarium completed August 31, 2012

Sequoia National Park

Here are a few photos from my camping trip to Sequoia National Park over 4th of July week.

Group shot entering Sequoia National Park: (back) Zoe, Yang, David, Me (front) Marty & Liz)

David & I

David & I @ a waterfall

Jeff, Zoe, Marty, Liz, Yang, David

At the top of Moro Rock (Yang, Liz, Marty, Me, Zoe, David, Jeff)

Me and my baby at the top of Moro Rock

Jeff, Liz, Marty, Zoe, David, Me, Yang

David & I

Jeff, Liz, David, Zoe, Marty, Yang, Me

Jeff, Yang, Zoe, Liz, Marty, Me, David (such a great trip!!)

Hormones Update

Hey all,

Thanks so much for the prayers, emails, texts, calls, and support, I've felt everything. I am still struggling with keeping my hormones in check, but God is so very good to me. I cannot believe how blessed I am in this time of difficulty, I don't deserve the grace I receive, but I am so very thankful that deserving it doesn't matter, I just have to accept it. This weekend was great because I could spend it with David and he is such a blessing from the Lord. He pushes me just enough (sometimes I think it's too much) to get out of myself and back in reality.

I know it's still going to be a daily struggle to battle these hormones, but I am not alone. No matter what I do or where I go, Jesus is ALWAYS with me, so today I can say, God is my saving grace and I can do NOTHING without him right next to me.

I still need prayer and encouragement, but I am seeing life is a new, clearer light and I praise the Lord for that. I really cannot believe how much God has worked in my life and how much more he is going to do as the days go on.

Current prayer request: that I will not be overwhelmed this week by spending large amounts of time with friends. We are going camping for 4 days and I really need to be emotionally able to handle everything. I know God will be with me, it's just hard to remember when to take time for myself and when to be social.

Thanks in advance :) I'll keep you all posted as time goes on.

Hormones.

As many of you know, David and I are wanting to start our family and the first step for that to happen was for me to go off my birth control pills. I finished my last pill on Saturday and was normally starting a new pack on Sunday, but of course, I was done with the pills. Well, since Sunday I have been a roller coaster of emotions. I cry almost every hour. I can feel Satan trying to pull me down into despair through mild depression. All I want to do is sleep. I have zero appetite (I have to force myself to eat at least something small during the day). And I have no sex drive. All I really want to do is cuddle on the couch with my hubby and fall asleep, every second of the day.

I know this is because of the hormones changing in my body, but my word, this is nuts. I feel so out of control, but I feel like this is where God wants me. It's crazy, but I feel closer to God the further out of control I get. I know the lies Satan tells me are lies. And I feel the hand of the Lord on my heart. No matter what I do, I can't get past the fact that Jesus is here with me, a sinner. He loves me so much that he is fighting my battles and all I have to do is completely trust him. It's amazing that I am trusting Him with absolutely everything in my life currently. I thought I knew what a relationship with Jesus was, but I was sadly shortchanging myself AND God.

He is my all. I can do nothing through my own strength and I have to cling to him every second of every minute of every day. I can't function without Him and I honestly don't want to. I need him more than I ever have in my life and I know without a doubt that he will take care of me. I trust him to bring me out of this time of darkness and night into the light and morning.

I love you Jesus. Keep being with me. I need you more than I ever have in my entire life and I cannot do a thing without you. I need you Jesus to keep coming to my rescue and saving me from the evil one. I love you Lord and I know you are working in my life. I just love you so much Jesus. Amen. 

Why do we do this?

Lately I have felt an overwhelming (almost rehabilitating) sense of guilt over past sin in my life. I know I've been forgiven for everything and I have repented of everything I know I am doing in my life that is sinful, but yet I keep being bombarded by guilt. I know this is from Satan, but why do we do this to ourselves?

I find that when I am close to the Lord and things seem to be going well, something comes into my life to derail me (aka Satan). It's so hard to remain in the Lord when you feel like you are worth nothing, and what I am trying to remind myself is that this is where GRACE comes in. We don't deserve forgiveness. We don't deserve eternal life. We don't deserve to be close to the Lord. And yet, because Jesus came to this earth, lived a perfect sinless life, and went WILLINGLY to the cross, we are SAVED. It's so hard to remember this when I am suffocated with guilt, but it's the truth.

It's amazing what truth does for a person. When you read scripture there is always truth looking you straight in the face and you cannot get around the fact that we are sinners. Yes, I have sinned. Yes, I have made mistakes. And yes, I wish I could take it back. BUT I am totally and completely forgiven for what I have done and I need, no I MUST forgive myself because God has already forgiven me for what I have done. I know why these things happen, but it's so hard to get back into the light of the Lord when you feel guilty, and this is where Satan wants me, on the outside looking in on what I think the Lord sees, when in actuality God sees me as a clean, pure child of His that He loves without any thought to the mistakes I've made.

Another thing that gets to me is the fact that sin is sin, NO MATTER WHAT WE'VE DONE! People are the ones who make one sin greater than another and that is a worldly mindset. I need to remember that I am no better or no worse than any other person because of what I've done in my life. EVERYONE SINS! NO ONE EXCEPT JESUS IS PERFECT! I am forgiven, not because I deserve it, but because of the grace of the Lord and the love He has for me.

Now to bind this around my heart...

Lord, I need you more than anything in my life. I know what I've done, you know what I've done, and you have forgiven me. You choose to give me grace and love and forgiveness and I need to stop with the guilt trip and move forward. I am a child of God. I am washed pure and clean by the death Jesus died on the cross. I don't deserve it, but PRAISE THE LORD, I have received it. I accept your gift, even though I am a sinner and I thank you for the sacrifice you made to save my life. I love you Lord. Bind these words around my heart and my life. In your holy name, Amen. 


P.S.-For those of you that read this, prayer would be GREATLY appreciated to protect me from the power of the evil one and to feel Jesus close to my heart and my life. Thanks in advance!