As I sit on my couch at 1:30 in the morning stressing out about things that are out of my control, I realize that I am so very broken and the only way to be healed is with the Lord. I have done studies and tried to work hard on my anxiety issues, yet I still keep coming back to the same thing: "What If?" The hardest part for me is that saying "what if" means not trusting the Lord and that breaks my heart. Why don't I trust Jesus? I know He gave His life for me. I know he wants to give me the world. I know he has the answers I crave/desire. So why the worry?
My what-ifs seem to stem from the uncontrollable forces of this world. What-if the "big" earthquake comes and I can't find David? What if I get cancer? What if I am forced to lose David? What if I can't have children? What if we get fleas again? What if bumps on my skin are really cancer? What if I never am happy? What if, what if, what if?? It drives me insane simply writing this out, but I know I have to. I need to let it all out because if I don't, it's going to bury me alive.
So how can I combat this? I have tried praying, reading scripture, staying awake at night to focus on other things, and yet with each new day I keep coming back to the same things. I think the solution for me is to take it one hour at a time and fall on my face in front of the Lord and beg him to be my all, to be my conqueror, to be my healer, protector, and saving grace. I know it's not going to be easy, but when did the Lord ever say life was easy.
That's my vent/admission for today. Now to read more of my Bible and try to let the Lord grant me the peace I crave so deeply.
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